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vampire1029

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10:03 am
10/29/08

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clock eye
[info]vampire1029
I wonder...
What does it feel like to be truly, deeply in love with a significant other?

When does deep, painful love for another stop hurting? How long does it take a heart to heal?

Where is the line drawn, where true love is concerned, between pain and joy?

Why do we get no say over who to fall for?

Why do people cheat/commit adultery?

Where is passion found for another person? For a topic, a life following?

...I'm not looking for answers; I just needed a place to voice my thoughts.
(and yes, it has been 21 weeks since I last updated. I'm really glad LJ gave me a count hahaha)

Current Location:
 Ormsby 318
Current Mood:
 pensive pensive
Current Music:
 Bottle It Up ~ Sara Bareilles
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02:25 pm
5/31/08

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eyeliner
[info]vampire1029
I hate my body.
I wish I didn't.
I don't hate my body in a stereotypical way. I don't think I am too thin, too fat, to tall to short... I just fucking hate it. I am so tired of catering to it every goddamn second of the day. If I don't eat, I feel nauseous, dizzy and weak. If I do eat, I feel nauseous, deal with abdominal cramping and feel weak from the pain anyways. I can't do anything right where my digestive system is concerned. If I don't watch what I eat, I just don't eat because nothing appeals to me. If I make myself eat, I stress over what I'm consuming and then feel sick to boot. Fuck it. I can't goddamn win. My mom wants me to get some major diagnostic work done with summer. Yeah. In between the working and the wisdom teeth-removal. I am stuck here for two more weeks. Two more weeks of wanting to sleep through days as well as nights just so that I don't have to think and feel.

{ Eat healthily.
{ Sleep well.
{ Exercise often.

The three things most stressed by my parents and shrinks. The vicious circle that, once I fall off, I can't get back on. I am so far off right now... fuck.

I'm tired of worrying about money, about getting a job this summer, about keeping a job this summer, about my health...

RAWR RAWR RAWR.
I am in SUCH a goddamn bad mood right now... RAWR. 
Current Mood:
 bitchy and sick
* * *
06:06 pm
5/6/08

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blue eye
[info]vampire1029
a reply
SO I had a dream last night where Gabriel got a facebook page, then went through a major identity crisis as a result.

haha I would pay so much money to see that in real life...
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07:45 pm
10/20/07

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eyeliner
[info]vampire1029
a reply
"If he thinks his bastardry is going to attract me to him and keep me here, he is seriously misguided. Like anyone would want to put up with that kind of shit...."

. Bernadette, darling, how is it that you and I always seem to run on similar wavelengths yet never truly connect?
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01:05 am
6/24/07

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eyeliner
[info]vampire1029
J'adore mon chat.
Returned from a rough weekend and a long evening to an empty house. Got my bags out of the car, stumbled to the back door and moved from the dark outdoors to the even darker indoors. My cat swept in around my feet as I opened the door.
I brought my stuff into my room and flopped on the bed, suddenly overwhelmed with all the angst and worry and hurt that have tormented me as of late. Then I heard a small sound. My kitty was there, letting me know in her own odd cat way that I am not alone and that things are alright.
This all seems like a nerdy thing to write an entry about, especially since I dont write often, but I felt that my special Beast deserved a little recognition for how much her odd cat ways are truly helpful. She keeps her distance, but in her manner she is there for all of us. Even now as I type she is curled on the floor by my feet (an unusual occurrence).
So this entry is for my Cleo, bless her vole-murdering, nerdhole little heart. *bises*

Goodnight to you all
Remember to love honestly and openly.
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10:23 pm
5/6/07

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blue eye
[info]vampire1029
woot.
I got hired at Perkins
:P
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11:17 pm
5/3/07

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blue eye
[info]vampire1029
a reply
Fringe actually looking like a potential reality now.
My heart is bursting with hope for it
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11:14 pm
5/3/07

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clock eye
[info]vampire1029
*beats fruitlessly at the little black raincloud*
How many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who now is left alone but me?
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04:05 pm
4/29/07

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eyeliner
[info]vampire1029
I am most seriously displeased.
Yesterday was a pleasurable game of dress-up, pictures and dinner, followed by a mandatory social event that thankfully ended early. The evening was improved when my date ditched me, but it still failed to come through as a truly pleasant evening. Not good, not bad. Then I stayed up way too late, slept in till 1:30, and woke up feeling like shit, a feeling that has yet to pass.
I dreamt of Ian last night. It was hell. I miss the guy who I dated so much, its hard to breathe sometimes. The guy who he is now, the one who I broke up with, I dont miss at all. My heart hurts.
It is a quiet, lazy day today, and yet I have been doing battle with my depression all the freaking way. My body aches for movement as my head begs for a rest from the endless issues that it thinks over.
I need...
peace?
love?
sunlight?

Hah. I dont have a fucking clue what I need.
love to all
*bises*
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03:19 pm
4/8/07
blue eye
[info]vampire1029
a reply
I wrote this for a special person. A person that couldn't sleep, because they couldn’t feel anything. Just their thoughts and the hole inside them. A person that was so filled by nothingness that everything else faded away.
All because there was only one thing they wanted. One person they wanted to feel. One thing they didn't have. And their identity, their whole self was only a shadow, only a broken piece without them.
They wanted somebody to love them, to hold them. Somebody they could get lost in. Somebody to touch, taste, smell, feel, be with, together with.
Somebody that they could and lie there with, feeling warm, and beautiful, quietly, reassured by the silence.
But they only had the empty silence without them. And if you know this person, or if its you... write it here, that you understand, that you know this feeling as much as you hate it, as much as it breaks you apart. Because I know that- we are not alone.
I wish i had the words
~Bret

Written a LONG time ago. I dunno. Feeling emo, which is an unusual twist for me. I can do hopeless, lonely, angry and abused, but this emo bullshit doesnt come too often.
I guess I just want someone to give a damn. Someone to ask me how my day was or how Im feeling. A simple "are you okay?". I hate feeling bitchy...
I hate feeling alone. Smiling through the burning ache in my stomach, I get through every day. I feel lonely so I eat. It doesnt help.
Never does.
I hate this burning in my tummy. I hate that my feelings can bring me to the point that I want to throw up just so they can get out of me. Too bad I havent thrown up since I was 8 years old, and I have no intention of starting up again.
Thank god college is coming soon. I can leave, get out of the way, and hopefully stop caring about people who wouldnt know the difference if I died (*note: this is not everyone that I am talking about). There will be new people, new experiences, and a new environment so that I can start fresh.
Fuck this. Things are changing starting tomorrow. (Nothing happens on a sunday)
Current Mood:
 frustrated frustrated
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